Here I am again to anger fanboys and let you know what my WORST FILMS OF 2009 are.

It has been a long year and after many strong drinks I have done my darndest to try and forget these movies.  Alast no matter how many times I rewatch Inglorious Basterds, District 9 or (500)Days of Summer I can’t seem to get these movies out of my head. You ask what these vile things are that would make anyone contemplate suicide… well:

TEN – Armored

Here is a case of a movie that was pushed by star power.  The production company went and signed names such as Jean Reno, Matt Dillion and Laurence Fishurne and said “what can make them all do together? Oh YEAH! I’ll make them attempt the stupidest robbery ever attempted on screen.”  The film is predictable and really just a waste of your time. (review)

NINE – Couples Retreat

Jon Favreau takes a holiday break with his friend Vince Vaughn to go to couples hell in one of the blandest comedies you’ll watch all year.  I don’t even know why they did this other than to shoot the shit with a couple of old friends.  Vince can’t be a really good friend if he let Favreau do this, because I real friend would realise how dumb the idea is and tell him to stop and go make good movies (like the upcoming 2010 film Iron Man 2).  (review)

EIGHT – The International

Yes we know that action scenes are nice to watch, but it helps when you have more than just one of them.  This movie is a complete and utter mess of a suspense thriller.  Clive Owen delivers some of his worst that I’ve seen him do since he was contracted to just drive a car menacingly for BMW in some really long commercials. (review)

SEVEN – Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Kevin James stars in a spoof of Die Hard where he’s the one cop (wait, no… Mall Cop) left in the mall after a bunch of terrorists take it over to steal some money.  Seriously??? Spoofing Die Hard is not a good idea.  I love Die Hard, but it in itself is a fun enough spoof of action filled 80s films to be left alone.  I laugh everytime I see the dead terrorist with his sweater saying “Ho Ho Ho”.  (review)

SIX – Gamer

Yes I loved the one scene with Michael C. Hall in it dancing up a storm, but otherwise another movie that requires being placed into a deep dark cave, burned to bits and then forgotten completely.  Please, please, bring me that double barkeep. (review)

FIVE – Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li

So as most people may have noticed, how does a montage change a Chinese girl into a White woman?  Ahhh the wonders of horrible movie-making.  This movie may be a step up from when JCVD tried on the Street Fighter franchise, but this (like all others) should’ve remained in Japan as a videogame and anime alone. (review)

FOUR – Friday the 13th

Yes Jason Voorhees is back and he has a huge ass machete.  However, the movie didn’t look good to me in the 80s and it still isn’t good.  Leave all those random slaughters for the documentaries when I’ll actually feel something, here it’s just pints of corn-syrup and nothing more. (review)

THREE – Dragonball: Evolution

STOP IT!  When that thought pops into your head, please follow it.  I can only imagine the amount of times that though popped into the head of whoever decided to carry this property over from Japan and make it live action.  I remember being in High School and rushing home every afternoon to try and catch this on TV so I could talk about it wit my friends at school the next day.  Years past, I grew up, my balls descended and then I realised that this show was shit… the movie was worse. (review)

TWO – Jennifer’s Body

Megan Fox is not an actress.  Maybe if she were born in the 1900s and then became an actress while people were still watching silent movies and just needed a pretty face to keep you in the movie.  But even then I think she would be better suited for porn than some of the women in porn.  Diablo Cody lets me down (after Juno and The United States of Tara) with this utterly mess of a story I couldn’t help but want to physically hurt anyone who had anything to do with this movie. (review)

ONE – Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen

Here comes the “I never knew robots could be racist” line again.  I don’t even want to remind myself of how much I wanted to donate everyone of my senses to a one of those people who were born without so they could experience something other than this mind torturing piece of shit which I heard all the fanboys swallow like it was some sort of treat.  Michael Bay needs to learn to control himself and not go insane with all of these visuals because I feel like he just fucked me in the ear, eye and brain just because he had more splosions to splode on screen. (review)

Honorable Mentions

Blood: The Last Vampire, Bridewars, I Love You Beth Cooper, The Informers, Management, Miss March, Next Day Air, Whatever Works, Whiteout, Year One.

SPECIAL BONUS AWARD – This Is It

This is not a movie, a documentary or a concert.  This is a cash grab that made me just angry at it and made me wish I could hate Michael Jackson’s music for it (but I can’t).  Please don’t watch this and please do not mate this like the best selling DVD when it comes out in the next few months.

So if you’ve read this far and have thought to yourself yes movies are all bad you should probably go and watch the movies that are on my Top Ten Movies of 2009 list to brighten your day.

So what’s the worst movie of 2009 for you?

This week our hosts are joined by Jack Giroux from TheFilmStage.com and AtomicPopcorn.net to discuss the latest of the halloween genre that has found it’s way on DVD, Trick R Treat.

Show Notes

Guest: Jack Giroux from TheFilmStage.com and AtomicPopcorn.net

What We Watched
[00:01:38] Jack: Where the Wild Things Are, The Assassination of a High School President, Law Abiding Citizen
[00:05:58] Damion: Saw, Last House on the Left, Midnight Meat Train, The Transporter Trilogy, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
[00:16:46] Andrew: Drunken Master, Thief, Funny People, Traffic

News

Rumor: Ivan Reitman attached to direct Ghostbusters 3? [00:26:31]
Ellen Page writes Stich n’ Bitch [00:32:03]
Retelling of the story of Moses… in 300 style??? [00:35:31]

Trailers

Toy Story 3 [00:41:29]
Me and Orson Welles [00:49:30]
Uncertainty [01:01:19]

Review: Trick R Treat [01:08:24]

Additional Links

What I took Away from the Toy Story 3

Once again I’d like to thank all you for listening and feel free to leave me any feedback in the comments or via email at unnamed[AT]gmanreviews[DOT]com.  You can subscribe to the podcast via the RSS, The Podcast Alley or iTunes.  We broadcast the podcast live on ustream every Wednesday night at 10PM EST, feel free to tune in and chat with us live there.

Two years after Megatron [Hugo Weaving] has been defeated and the all spark destroyed we find ourselves back at the Witwicky’s home as Sam [Shia LaBeouf] prepares to leave for college. The Autobots and the US military has made an alliance to help fight all the dispersed Decepticons across Earth. After a huge battle with a decepticon in Shanghai Optimus Prime [Peter Cullen] receives a warning that The Fallen [Tony Todd] is coming to take over this world.

So the plot, as most will tell me, is irrelevant for these films. Once Michael Bay is attached stop expecting anything. However, I must respectfully disagree. Now please don’t misunderstand me. When I say that I disagree I don’t mean that I expect Mr. Bay to give me a grade A plot that would take a team from NASA a week to unravel but rather something simple and half understandable. Simply put, give me a reason why our protagonist is going from point A to point B other than so we can see another ginormous fight scene and Michael Bay tends to give me at least that much. Here however he decided to forget it at the door, and I’m assuming he intended you to check all form of sense there as well.

This movie decided to assault my membrane for a whole of 150 minutes. This movie was way too long. For a dumb action film I don’t need that much movie. You’ve always heard your mother tell you that too much of anything is bad for you. Well Mr. Bay too much CGI, too much retardedness, too much incoherent plot, too much ridiculous action is not good for your health. I feel like if I see another robot I’m going to fall over from dizziness.

Michael Bay is my typical choice for a five year old child who was given too many toys as a child and at the same time had a camera around. I feel that if he decided to film all the shots where we had a slow motion shot of a character doing something while to deep instrumentals with the sun in the distance giving off more annoying lens flare like effects than Star Trek did. The movie would be at least 40 minutes shorter if he had just skipped all the slow motion in the movie, and better for it. After twenty minutes into the movie I was already tired of seeing it and bored.

The acting was way over the top for me. Shia’s role seemed to involve three things: running away, shouting for Optimus or Bumblebee and looking like he jizzed his pants while spouting random gibberish. One of my biggest complaints, character wise, comes from Judy Witwicky [Julie White]. Mrs. Witwicky went on vacation way too early and became a horny teenager for the entire first half of the movie, I almost went insane when she was on the college campus and decided to get high from some special brownies.

Now onto the section that all of you are waiting to hear about, the action. The action in this movie is exactly what all of you want, horribly shot scenes where you can barely make out which robot is hitting which. Sometimes you have to wait to see which one falls like a 60s Japanese samurai film just to confirm what happened in the fight. What Michael Bay does is he goes out in the woods, desert, suburbs and runs through a random scenery with his camera and then adds the CGI fight between Optimus and random decepticon and then all of the crowd applauds while I sit there wondering what just happened.

Something that really shocked me while watching this movie was the rating. Was this really a PG-13 movie? In Jamaica it received an A-16 rating which I felt was more appropriate. The movie contained a lot of profanity. Most of the colourful language came from Skids and Mudflap. In the movie you will hear the words fuck, shit and pussy. I think it is really retarded that the MPAA’s guidelines state that if a movie uses the word fuck more than twice it is automatically an R rated film but it seems they can say shit as many times as they want without a problem. When I heard the autobots call Leo [Ramon Rodriguez] a pussy I was really shocked, I can’t remember if I’ve ever heard that word used like that in a PG-13 film and it just seems like something that the conservatives out there who make all these dumb guidelines wouldn’t want their 13 year old children hearing from a loveable robot that kicks ass.

One thing that definitely did not sit well with me was Bay’s need to force some really dumb slapstick comedy into the movie. Whenever robots were on screen one of two things was occurring: a huge fight scene; or a retardedly silly comedy scene. One example of this is where a decpeticon is in the garage trying to steal the all spark sliver from Mikaela [Megan Fox] and the robot fell into rat traps, made snarky remarks to Mikaela’s dog and also made sexual jokes at Mikaela herself. Bay does this throughout the film and it just doesn’t work for me.

Another point that I guess I should talk about is the so called ‘racist’ characters introduced in the movie, Skids [Tom Kenny] and Mudflap [Reno Wilson]. Now I can understand why people would be upset about these characters. They definitely play up the stereotype of the younger African American who is all jacked up on hip-hop and not very interested in much else. It may even seem like that they were based on characters that you would find in many music videos on BET or something like that. However, I think that it doesn’t go that far. The characters are annoying and at times you will want to kick them in the groin, and yes apparently robots have balls to be kicked. However, to call them racist is a bit much. So I will leave them classified as a bad joke and not much more than that.

In the end this sequel is ridiculously worse than the first and is really stupid. One of the questions I asked myself as I left the theatre was if Bad Boys 2 was better or worse than this movie. One thing that’s for sure, Terminator Salvation is better than this movie. I’ll leave you with that and say this movie should be avoided at all costs and if at all only worth checking out on cable when it hits the movie channels.

IMDB says 6.8/10

Rotten Tomatoes says 20%

I say 2.5/10

This is once again an attempt for me to create a weekly article here on gmanreviews. I know I’ve disappointed you many times before promising some weekly pieces which have ranged from slightly interesting to completely useless. However, I promise I will try my best to keep this one going. And whenever I can’t find ten news pieces I’ll try to pad with cool articles that I like.

I don’t cover news on the site for the main reason that most of the news reported on film blogs that I read are either uninteresting or unconfirmed rumour most of the time. But on the odd occasion that the news is in fact genuine then that is when I jump up in joy reading some of it and other times fall into a deep dark depression. So here is the TOP TEN NEWS ITEMS THAT BROKE THIS WEEK.

Harvey Weinstein Wants 40 minutes cut from Inglorious Basterds

So for those of you who follow the site and listen to my podcast will know my undying love for Quentin Tarantino and my also undying hatred for The Weinstein Company. I know that Harvey is the one which gave QT his big start in the world of film and without him I might have never been able to find my one true love when it comes to movies, but at the same time ever since I started following the news behind all the films and listening to commentaries and hearing about all these behind the screen dealings I have come to hate the Weinstein’s for their continuous need to somehow interfere with the creative work of directors, and more specifically Quentin Tarantino. Now they are asking for him to cut 2/3 of an hour from the movie that QT specifically added more footage to after seeing how the audience responded to the movie at Cannes. I understand that long movies aren’t for everyone and some people just prefer the ninety minute romp, and the Weinstein’s are looking at it from a completely business point of view but dammit I want my movie the way that QT wants it, and then I’ll hand down judgement on whether it is excessive or not. Also it is worth noting that I recently spoke with Alex Billington, from FirstShowing.net, who attended Cannes and he said that he liked Inglorious Basterds but thought it could do with more editing. So in the end I will wait for the movie to hand down judgement but right now I just feel angry that once again Harvey is interfering.

Stephen Chow’s CJ7 is getting an Animated Sequel

So Stephen Chow’s sci-fi children’s film, CJ7 that was released last year will be getting a sequel in the form of an animated film. The sequel will be directed by Yuen Kin-to (also known as Toe Yuen). I haven’t seen any of Yuen’s work however I can easily say that I am not fond enough of this movie to really want to see a sequel. I loved Kung Fu Hustle, and I liked CJ7 but not enough to think that the story could be stretched beyond the initial film. With Stephen Chow producing this project however I’m sure that they will all find a plausible sequel that won’t upset fans of the first film. What is really nice is that all the original actors will return to voice their characters for this film, so there will be little change in the film’s acting department which I thought was great.

Wes Craven says YES to new Scream Trilogy

Wes Craven has been behind the scenes of so many horror films that have ranged from interesting and creepy to completely cheesy and a waste of time, some of my favourites of his catalogue are Red Eye and A Nightmare on Elm Street. Personally I rewatched the first Scream movie a few months ago and found it quite enjoyable for the reason that it was so fun and wasn’t taking itself serious. I think that another movie would do the franchise well if Wes can come up with an interesting idea, but o stretch it into a trilogy may be a bit much which is why most people are not a fan of the sequels to in this franchise. I will hold off judgement but based on the track record of this franchise this looks pretty uninteresting and like it will be another addition to the “waste of time” column for Wes Craven.

Pixar confirms Monsters Inc. Sequel

So before we all jump for happy this won’t be hitting theatres until at least 2013 since Pixar’s releases schedule is booked up until 2012 and they don’t seem to be expanding to more than one film per year just yet. Now with Pete Doctor’s Up hitting theatres a couple weeks ago and gaining all this critical praise, which is what happens when Pixar is on screen, they have decided that they will be doing a sequel to Doctor’s film that was his directorial debut. I love Monsters Inc and thought that Up was pretty damn good, still working on my review, and am happy to see that we’ll get to revisit the world that is behind your child’s closet door. Now where they plan to take the story is always the question you ask. Will they take us immediately at the end of the last film? Unlikely. Will there be a time jump? Probably. And what will be the situation we’ll be seeing all of our favourite scary monsters in when we get there? All I can say am I’m interested and always ready for another Pixar production.

Transformers 2 will have a longer cut for IMAX Screenings

So the upcoming summer blockbuster from Mr. Blockbuster himself, Michael Bay, has a longer cut for IMAX screenings and I heard this longer cut will be available when the BluRay DVD is released in the future. Mr. Bay has apparently been, up until the very last minute, been putting the finishing touches on the effects for the movie and is ready to premiere the film in Japan. Four scenes were specifically shot with IMAX cameras and therefore if you have an IMAX screen nearby you will be able to see some awesome fight scenes on a 50ft tall screen. Unfortunately I live in Jamaica and we don’t have any IMAX screens here so this new only makes me happy that if enough people say good things about the longer cut I’ll get it on BluRay when it is released.

John Stamos working on “Full House” Movie

Now I remember when I was younger on a rainy day having nothing to do I would switch on the television and instead of watching Three Amigos for the billionth time I might turn on my local television station to see reruns of Full House and even back then I thought that show was ridiculously trashy. Now the show’s only positive is for crappy pop culture references, like in Step Brothers when Will Ferrell and John C. Riley admit to wanting to make love to John Stamos, or in Entourage seeing Bob Saget as a horny older man buying prostitutes. Why would I ever want to see a ninety minute movie of a bad television show? Now I’m sure many of you will mention a ton of films that started out as bad TV and turned out to be average to great, but I totally can’t see this one working. Especially with Stamos talking about it being about the early years of the show and with James Franco playing Jesse, Steve Carell playing Danny and even worse Tracey Morgan as Danny. This is the typical news spewing from Hollywood’s asshole that makes me want to vomit for hours. Please don’t do this find something else to make even worse.

Next Terminator Film will be set in London in 2011

So here is another piece of almost useless news. After watching the new Terminator film and telling everyone about how wrong it McG came out and spoke about his plans for the next part of the franchise. He plans to have John Connor come back to 2011 via the well used time machine and come to help galvanize the militaries of the world for the impending Skynet invasion. As I’ve said before I’ve always loved Terminator, but ever since Cameron left it has been a complete waste of time and even though this idea sounds a lot more interesting that what was given to us in the newest instalment, Terminator Salvation, I’m remaining very sceptical and will not be fooled again by McG and his completely ridiculous name.

Blade Runner getting Prequel Web Series

Ridley Scott’s commercial company, RSA Films, are developing a series of videos called Purefold. This is a will be a series of videos will take place sometime before 2019 and will be inspired by the themes of Blade Runner. The most interesting part of this story is that Ag8, the partner company, will be taking input on the story of the series from the viewers via their website as well as FriendFeed. So if you actually want to change something in the show maybe if you get enough people on your side shouting for it maybe the writers will change it.

David Carradine found dead

Earlier this week, June 4^th, it was reported all across the internet and all other new media that David Carradine was found dead in a Bangkok hotel room. The 72 year old actor was found hanging with the rope tied around parts of his body including the neck. I never really became a huge fan of Carradine but I get the fan love for him, I personally enjoyed his performance in Kill Bill Vol.2 very much and will probably look out for older films/TV Shows he was in and check them out now. I send my well wishes to his family and friends and no matter what his circumstances that surround his death know that he was a loved actor and will always live on in his films.

James Cameron joins Heavy Metal

One of the producers of the film, Kevin Eastman, says that James Cameron, Zack Snyder, Gore Verbinski and David Fincher are all apparently going to be directing segments of the upcoming adaptation of the Heavy Metal comic books. I have never watched or read any material related to Heavy Metal, but the list of directors on board for this project is enough to make any movie geek such as myself get excited. With the addition of James Cameron to that roster has just cemented my readiness to see this film as soon as possible. Now I’m aware that this movie probably won’t be seen before 2011 with each of these directors each currently working on other projects, but I just wanted to mention how great it is to see so many creative minds working together on one project. I may have to go find some old Heavy Metal books and see what the whole excitement is about.

So there are ten news items that were released this week. Let me know what you think about them and my comments in the comments and if I missed anything particularly exciting that was released this week.

EXTRA

This week Scott from WeAreMovieGeeks.com made a top ten list of all the movie websites you should be following and even though gmanreviews didn’t make the cut we still love all the guys over at WeAreMovieGeeks.com and think it is a great list. I follow all of those sites and all of them are great.

Here Andrew, Damion & Douglas return to discuss the debacle that is Spike Lee’ s WWII epic with Dave from Screengeeks Radio [Screengeeks.com].  We also discuss things like Stephen Spielberg and Uwe Boll having trouble financing their movies, along with other thing that happened this week in the world of film.

SHOW NOTES

INTRODUCTIONS

Andrew, Douglas & Damion [00:00:26]

and Welcome Dave from Screengeeks Radio [00:00:35]

NEWS

Little Fockers??? [00:03:44]
Schwarzenegger and Trejo cast in Expendables [00:06:25]
Uwe Boll is asking for your money to make his next movie [00:08:48]
Zhao Wei to play Mulan in Live Action [00:12:14]
Steve Spielberg’s Lincoln movie is in money toruble [00:13:34]

TRAILERS

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen [00:26:17]
The Boat that Rocked [00:35:14]
Funny People [00:41:04]

REVIEW

Spike Lee‘s Filmography [00:52:50]
Miracle at St. Anna [01:24:57]

Thanks for listening and make sure to email us at unnamed@gmanreviews.com with any feedback.  We are now on iTunes, Podcast Alley and here is our RSS Feed for the podcast, make sure to subscribe in some way or another.  And please vote/review to podcast on Podcast Alley and iTunes please.

Yes the trailer everyone has been waiting for.  Two year’s ago Michael Bay told us that all you need to do make his movies even bigger than before are to add huge FUCKING robots.  Here he did it again and with bigger robots. 

This movie was really enjoyable when I saw it in the theatre, but when it came out on HBO and I tried to watch it again I saw all the flaws.  However, I still have to say this trailer has me psyched to see the sequel, and a must go just to see it on the big screen.  But I’m sure you’re tired of readng my crap; here’s the trailer:

I actually love when we see Shia tell his dad in the movie to run, I thought that little cut was awesomely effective and gotta love Optimus Prime look like an ant against the huge constructicon which looks AWESOME.

So let me know what you think of the trailer in the comments.