I just googled “decaffeination report” and found no mention of this series of articles. Shameful, I thought. It had made another dreadful mistake. Then a dark realization worked itself from the back of my mind up to its front, though try I did to push it right back. A “series” of articles implies that a number of regular publications have been made under the same moniker over a period of time. In an attempt to completely rubbish this outrageous theory that somehow infiltrated my mind I have decided to increase the number of articles in this long standing series (yes, if you missed it the thrilling first instalment it is a must read) to an awe inspiring 2.

Today’s report will focus on a well loved, certainly by the leader of this web rag, and highly praised film that has become a staple and quite possibly even a favourite of many – The Blues Brothers.

Some time during late 2003 to early 2004 I was first able to watch this movie. After the first half an hour sleep overtook me, leaving a feeling that despite its shaky beginning this movie could win me over. Unfortunately, this was not to be. In preparation for this report, I decided to take a more disciplined approach than my last and kept a note pad by my side throughout. Here are the first few entries.

• Juno’s on TV. I could be watching a funny movie right now.
• Why did Dan Aykroyd just introduce this movie? It wasn’t a joke, so did he think I didn’t realize what DVD I picked up at the store?
• After watching the whole movie, the “laugh log” idea must be scrapped. Only one entry: “After doing his bid at Joliet, Jake is returned a soiled prophylactic. That’s worth a giggle.”

And so I began what was to be the second report with a pen in one hand and a hot cup of tea in the other (a man cannot live by the bean alone, and there’s nothing wrong with a good cup of rooibos). The brothers’ reunion, though heart warming it may have been, produced nothing in the way of humour or entertainment. Then entered the Penguin – a supernatural woman who Jesus decided to take as one of his many concubines. Apparently she sends them on a mission from God that involves James Brown, a neon blue light and a band.

From this moment on, the Brothers are no longer simply brothers; they are heaven sent recruiters on a mission from a penguin. Somehow a heavy artillery toting, spurned ex-lover who looks as if she might pass for foreign royalty gets involved. After explosions, car chases, some crashes and one broken standard issue police watch, their mission is complete and the penguin is appeased.

The question this film asks of us is whether two monochromatic men in sunglasses and a soundtrack filled with the only entertaining portions of its script make a good movie. Thorough investigation suggests otherwise.

]]> http://www.gmanreviews.com/2009/02/05/the-decaffeination-report-takes-on-the-blues-brothers/feed/ 3 http://www.gmanreviews.com/2008/07/15/the-decaffeination-report/ http://www.gmanreviews.com/2008/07/15/the-decaffeination-report/#comments Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:34:12 +0000 Douglas Robinson http://www.gmanreviews.com/?p=210

In an overly aggressive effort to become a part of “The Press Team” and, as such, party to all the perks it carries, the first report has been spawned. Will reports be issued weekly; monthly? That is still to be seen.

As this is the first report of its kind, the name it bears should be explained. Without going into too much detail I’ll say that it’s a bit of an inside joke. I’m a coffee drinker; give me a good cup of Joe and I’m a happy camper. There do, however, tend to be some side effects. So, in the end I must decaffeinate.

To begin, I must take note that critics and movie-goers alike seemed to enjoy the latest Pixar feature length film. Statistically, they’re all backing the right horse. Monetarily, Pixar peaked at just over $800 million with Finding Nemo. It’s lowest grossing film is its first, Toy Story, at about $360 million. All its movies have been nominated for academy awards, and I’ve loved all the Pixar creations that I’ve taken the time to watch with the possible exception of Cars (I only liked that one). Their latest effort, though, I believe to be decaffeination worthy.

After the trailers and sundry that gets played before publicly screened films in my home town, a short featurette by the name of Presto confidently flashed its computer generated lights in my direction. There are various reviews out there in the expansive crevices of the intertubes. You’ve already seen on this site that IMDB shows a rating of 9.1 (a quick check shows it’s been downgraded to 8.8), and here it received a 10. I won’t argue with either. It was enjoyable, funny and an overall good time. But what of the feature itself?

It must be said that the trailers, leaked scenes, early reviews and generally superfluous hype that preceded Wall-E did not sway me. None of it made the movie seem appealing. Still, I watched it on its opening night. Though I probably did not need that much prodding (being a Pixar film, I didn’t write it off just yet) an arrangement was made. The man who likes to call himself the G-man would come with me to Wanted on the Wednesday provided I went with him to Wall-E on the Friday. Hands were shaken, papers signed and the deal was made.

There wasn’t much dialogue. I’m sure counting the number of words said by any character in the movie would show a highly attractive salary per word for the screenwriters. This is merely an aside and should not be taken as any scathing commentary on how the script ruined the movie. I don’t think the script was the problem. It was all there, even without the spoken word, romance for the sentimental, physical comedy for the young and young at heart, and a bit of faux drama for everyone else. Something else was the problem.

It was long. At 97 minutes you wouldn’t think so, but that’s how it felt. With every joyous moan and sorrowful groan amplified by the numbers in the theatre each minute stretched longer. I get it. It’s sweet. Two robots fall in love. They hold hands. They say each other’s names. It’s cute. No more. Please.

There were also lessons to be learned. That always strikes me as odd. It makes sense; teach the children from early. Don’t litter or you’ll end up on a big space ship while robots clean up your mess. Don’t eat too much or you’ll end up really fat and in a hovering lounge chair. Don’t spend too much time on the computer or you’ll end up glued to a screen all your life lacking both social skills and human contact. But would you actually be able to decipher these subliminal messages if you were young enough to be a part of the age demographic that Wall-E and movies like it market themselves to?

Taking previous commentary out of the equation, Wall-E was still no more than an average movie, if that. The very low expectations I had when walking into the theatre were not met. So much so that with every glowing review and heart-warming tale of that playful little robot, my bewilderment increases exponentially. I am afraid that in my book, I will have to file Wall-E under slow roasted decaffeination.

As a post script, should we really be teaching our children to be pirates?