Is this the culmination of Fasting and all Furiousing? Is this when Paul Walker reveals how is gorgeous blue eyes managed to merge with that beautiful peroxided hair in 2Fast2Furious? Is this where Tyrese finally admits that his smile isn’t the equivalent of Omar Sy? Is this actually a movie?

Let’s get real. In a year where we’ve gotten the third installment of The Hangover and twenty-fifth installment of Star Trek (I don’t know how to count guys) it still baffles me that a property like Fast and the Furious has been able to go on this long. It’s a franchise which started when I was in high school — and how I was fooled then into thinking it was good — and now it’s gone from being a reviled property that people dreaded (and didn’t even expect anymore) to see in theatres to one that we’re all rooting for. I’d like to think that something changed over the years, that it stopped taking itself seriously, but thinking back to what I can recall of the first two installments I can’t honestly believe it ever did.

With all that said, this film follows up well on the tone and idea of Fast Five the heist crew version of the FF films plus The Hulk, aka. Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson), to foil a highly trained group of other heist type drivers from getting their Rio (or whatever it is their going after). Honestly after a while all I remembered was a tank was somewhere in the middle.

The film, like all FF films, wrote in one of the most insane action films with some of the craziest choice world building ideals as it tries to fold itself into the reality of Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift as it’s next chapter. Part of wants to ask when exactly the filmmakers felt they needed to admit to the fact that all these films exist in one reality as opposed to my previous belief that each film is a parallel universe and like Jeff tossing the die to see who has to go downstairs to get the pizza we’re entering one of those possible realities by pressing play on the best or worst timeline (2Fast2Furious is the worst timeline).

When I try to lower this movie down to just it’s action sequences, and enjoy the lunacy of some of them: like the Dom (Vin Diesel) and Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) race scene that is basically sex with cars, the tank sequence which involves Dom leaping off his car across a highway after crashing said car into a railing so to propel himself in the direction of one of his compatriots and he is successful, or the finale with the plane which based on my math happens to be happening on a runway long enough to cover America from end to end (if that little); I want to like this movie. I want to enjoy the crazed physics, the stupid dialogue and the horrendous logic that it asks me to believe. I am willing, and I am wanting. However, it feels like it’s missing something that movies like this need.

For movies like this to work it needs to first and mostly, not try to waste time with it’s story. If you want me to revel in the lunacy you have to try and make me forget as much as possible that I care why you’re attempting all this lunacy. With approximately two exchanges you can set up the reason for it all starting, “I want my Letty back” and then go. Otherwise you’re just padding the runtime with unnecessary Baby Oil gags that while sort of funny don’t amount to much and just leave me with more minutes to figure out how wrong this parallel universe is and wondering why the die didn’t land on 5 (right now I’m assuming it’s relative).

I don’t want to make you think it’s all bad. It isn’t. There’s a LOT of entertainment to be had. I just feel that Fast Five set the bar way too high and this one didn’t hit it like we deserved it to. Which is odd talking about a Fast and Furious movie.

What did you think of Furious 6?